Social tolerance is destroying our country and the world. Our country has embraced social tolerance from the beginning. Social tolerance is a very good thing, in moderation. We should tolerate differences of race, religion, political ideals, and many other things. Without these tolerances, we would decay back toward disorder and become less civilized. On the other hand, tolerance of unethical behavior, rudeness, and self destructive behavior do the same thing as intolerance of race, religion, etc... Social tolerance has two sides. One side is things that are barbaric not to tolerate, the other is things that make us barbaric if we do tolerate them.
The importance of social tolerance is often understated. We understand the importance of tolerating things like race and religion so well that this tolerance has been required by law. The true importance of social tolerance is not so much what is tolerated as the fact that social tolerance is more powerful than law in encouraging people to behave themselves. It is against the law to exceed the speed limit on public roads, yet at least 90% of people do it many times a day. On the other hand, it is entirely legal to stare, but at least 90% of people avoid doing it (in other countries staring is not socially wrong and plenty of people do it, but in the US staring is a social taboo). Social intolerance of unethical behavior is much stronger than laws designating it such. If people ridiculed and disdained speeders, far fewer people would speed. Instead, most people overlook it, or tolerate it, so nearly everyone feels it is permissible.
Another thing about social tolerance that we all seem to miss is that it does not require us to agree with what we are tolerating. We might tolerate other religions without agreeing with what they teach, or we may be friends with people who have different political ideals without agreeing with those ideals. We could even dislike people of a particular race, without treating them poorly. We are entitled to our own opinions, but that does not mean that we cannot tolerate things that we do not agree with.
Just as important as social tolerance is social intolerance. This term is seen as evil in our society, because the only context it is ever used in is cases of discrimination, where intolerance is bad. In reality, a society that tolerates anything and everything is no better than anarchy. In this sort of society, the only thing that keeps people moral is fear of the law. In this sort of society, the moral law is "it is only wrong if you get caught". This is where the US, and most of the world, is headed. We should be able to expect people to be polite to us, we should be able to expect them to clean up after themselves (except in places like restaurants, where they are paying someone else to do it), we should be able to expect them to be truthful, we should be able to expect them to be punctual. In short, we should be able to expect people to be kind, polite, and honest. If someone exhibits bad behavior and we blow it off, they will feel entitled to continue the bad behavior. If we want people to treat us how we would like to be treated, first we should treat them that way and second we should not tolerate being treated otherwise.
You may wonder how to be intolerant of bad behavior. This is important, because we cannot act rudely to people if we want them to be polite. Often the most powerful message we can send someone displaying bad behavior is disappointment. It not only tells them they have done something we disapprove of, but it also tells them we expected them to act better. Disappointment tells people that we care about them enough to expect good behavior from them.
Another very strong way of being intolerant of bad behavior is to look and act like you are uncomfortable. If someone does something unethical or impolite, you can look and act uncomfortable with the situation. While this is not as strong as disappointment, it will usually get the point across. If someone suggests something unethical and the entire room goes silent and everyone else looks uncomfortable with the suggestion, not only will it kill the suggestion, but it will discourage similar suggestions in the future.
If these do not work, you might consider talking to the offending person in private. Tell them that their behavior (the specific one or ones) offends you, or makes you uncomfortable. If they admit that the behavior is wrong, offer to help them correct it. In this case, they may continue the behavior, but as long as they are trying to fix it and are making progress, you should help them. Note that this generally does not work as well as the above two. Many people will become defensive when approached about how they act. This needs to be done carefully. In cases like this, you should take care to be polite and non-confrontational. It also helps to make sure they know you are their friend and are willing to help them with this.
Lastly, if none of these things are working, you should think about ending the relationship with the person (assuming one exists). If a person is continuing harmful behavior (physically, emotionally, or mentally harmful) and has expressed that they have no intention of stopping, ending any relationship with that person will send a clear message. The best way to do this is to let the person know that you would like to continue to be friends with them, but that their behavior is such that you do not feel comfortable being around it. A less effective route is to just stop your communications with the person. In this case, be ready to explain why you are no longer friendly with them, because they will probably ask.
If you cut off a friendship without giving a reason, then your attempt at social intolerance of bad behavior has failed. With any of these techniques, the person must be aware of the reason, otherwise they are unlikely to change their behavior.
There is one more technique that can be used. If you take the responsibility for the behavior, it will generally make the person doing it feel bad about it. If you have a friend with a swearing problem, you might apologize for them when you are around other people who do not swear. If a person leaves a cart in the middle of a parking lot on a windy day (when the cart may cause damage when the wind blows it into someone else's car), you could take the cart and place it in the receptacle. Things like this can have a very strong effect on others, when they see you take responsibility for the consequences of their bad behavior, and may also affect others who see it.
We are all socially responsible for each other's behavior to some degree. If we tolerate unethical or immoral behavior, we are responsible when the behavior continues.
Lord Rybec
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